


I Know There’s Something Sacred and Free Reserved and Received by Me Only

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Providence [2]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-07
Updated: 2014-10-07
Packaged: 2018-02-20 07:58:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2421107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I can't love you more than the light, Megan.  But please don’t think that means that I don’t love you.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Know There’s Something Sacred and Free Reserved and Received by Me Only

**Author's Note:**

> This story is told in the Blood of my Blood universe but I'm currently thinking of a name for a series about this pairing. The title comes from the Semisonic song, _Secret Smile_ , which I was just made aware is one of theirs.

They were heading to Minsk the day after tomorrow. There had been two bombings there in two weeks. Of course the human media were saying they were terrorist attacks, but thus far no one had claimed responsibility. The Boss believed it was the work of agents of darkness, trying to get rid of an old immortal that had been a freedom fighter since the days of the 12 Apostles. No one knew for sure but that’s why The Boss was sending two of his best spirit teams to investigate. The madness had to stop.

On Wednesday, John and JJ came out of his building and were heading out for dinner. Nora’s car pulled up to the curb and she rolled down her window.

“Hey John.”

“Hey Nora, what's up?”

“Can we talk for a sec?”

“Sure.” he looked at his companion. “JJ, I’ll meet you over there.”

“Sure thing.” She smiled. “How are you, Nora?”

“I'm good. Nice to see you again.”

“You too. See ya later.”

JJ started walking down the street as John climbed into the passenger seat of the car. He looked at Nora.

“Is everything alright?” he asked. “Are we still going to Minsk as scheduled?”

“Minsk is definitely a go. This is about something a little more…personal.”

“Really? Are you alright, Nora?”

“The Boss is a bit concerned about the recent rekindling of your relationship with Megan Kane.”

“Oh.” John didn’t know what else to say. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know The Boss could see him at all times. This included times of intimacy. If he had violated a rule, he would’ve already been called in and reprimanded. As a team leader, John had access to The Boss. Nora usually did the day to day but a blatant violation would’ve been handled by The Boss personally. “What's the concern?”

“While The Boss knows where your heart and soul is, there is some concern with Megan. The Boss won't forbid the relationship outright…that wouldn’t be fair. She is not an agent of darkness. But in order for it to be permissible, she has to consent to sexual monogamy. Being a Meretrix, The Boss just doesn’t know if she can do that. But that’s not The Boss’s place to say. That’s a conversation you and Megan must have with each other.”

“I understand. I just didn’t know…” he sighed. “We hadn't discussed whether this relationship was going to progress. This is awkward.”

“I know you're in love with her.” Nora said. “It doesn’t have to be awkward.”

“It’s a personal thing, Nora. And I'm not upset with you, I understand The Boss’s concerns and I will address them properly. It’s just not going to be an easy conversation to have.”

“I do understand that.” she nodded.

“I want to do it in person.” John replied. “Do I have permission to go and see her before we leave for Belarus?”

“Absolutely. Take the time you need.”

“Thank you.”

He climbed out of the car and started walking down the street. His team was waiting for him at their favorite burger joint a few blocks away. It was dinner time but for the first time in he couldn’t remember how long, John Blackwolf had lost his appetite. His personal life was about to get very public. Some of that would be his own doing though he didn’t see how he had much choice.

***

“I ordered you your favorite.” Sam said as John sat down beside JJ in the booth the team was sharing. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, it sounds good. I need to talk to you guys about something important.”

“Is this about Nora Bennett?” JJ asked.

“Yes.” John nodded.

“What's going on?” Hotch asked. “Are we still going to Minsk or have we been reassigned?”

“I hope its still Minsk.” JJ said. “Will and I were excited about working together for the first time.”

JJ’s companion Will LaMontagne was on the three person team accompanying them to Eastern Europe. He was a relatively new spirit; he died in Hurricane Katrina saving the lives of four kids and their dog in the Lower Ninth Ward. He and JJ clicked almost immediately and The Boss readily approved.

“The trip to Belarus is still on.” John said. “I want to talk to you guys about something though.”

“What’s up?” Sam asked as their food arrived.

JJ asked for more ketchup and looked dreamily at her double cheeseburger. She’d spent most of her afternoon working out and training for the trip. She was starving.

“Megan Kane and I are…seeing each other. The Boss isn’t exactly sure this is the best idea so I have to go and speak with her before we go on the trip. I'm going to do it tonight if she has the time.”

“Why are you telling us that?” JJ asked. “What's going on, John?”

They all knew he was a quiet man; introspective, private. It surely wasn’t easy to know what a man like John Blackwolf was thinking at any given time. Sam usually knew because they’d known each other forever. But Sam would be the first to say that’s why he knew. John was someone it took a long time to read and comprehend. He was the spirit version of Moby Dick. A newbie like Hotch alternated between being in awe and intimidated by him.

“I'm not entirely sure what's going on. I care about Megan; I think you guys know that. But I don’t think I can ever tell her that she has to be something she’s not in order to be with me. It’s not fair, to her or to me because I love her just the way she is.”

“Are you talking about defying The Boss?” Hotch lowered his voice to a barely perceptible whisper.

“Absolutely not.” John shook his head. “That has never been my way and I wouldn’t start now. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. This is why I’ve done things the way I've done them for almost 1500 years. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Sam nodded, he understood that fully. He had Jessie now. She was seven months pregnant with their child, he hadn't seen her in a month, and he was heading off on another mission. There was always the chance that he wouldn’t survive it. Yet, he wasn’t putting her and their future family first. Their daughter might save their world and he couldn’t even put her first.

This couldn’t be what The Boss intended when he allowed for spirits to love people and be with them. Sometimes it was better to be alone with the light. Nothing else, not even the most amazing woman could ever compete with its greatness. Or perhaps he and John as well, were just too selfish to share. It was something he thought about these days. He wondered how much Jessie thought about it.

“I think Megan is awesome.” JJ said. “And if she can put up with you then you'd be a fool to let her go. At the same time, I see your point.”

“What do you think, Hotch?” John asked.

“Me?”

“Yes…I don't know anyone else named Hotch.”

“Oh,” he laughed nervously. “I don't know Megan at all, though I know what a Meretrix is. But I also know that you can't judge a book by its cover. I learned that way before I became a spirit and it was reinforced by knowing and loving Emily and her family. I guess all you can do is talk to Megan and allow this to be a decision you make together. Don’t leave her out; that’s what wouldn’t be fair to her.”

John nodded. He ate the rest of his lunch in virtual silence while his team discussed the upcoming mission and all it would entail. It would surely be dangerous. There was no way they wouldn’t have to deal with both the human and supernatural world. It was also possible there would be casualties.

Discussing The Boss’ concerns wasn’t the only reason John wanted to see Megan before he went. She was in his heart now, on his mind. He couldn’t leave for Belarus without saying goodbye. Maybe there was something he could do about those feelings in the future, but for the moment all John could do was surrender to it.

***

Megan had just fed Jacqueline and was heading to her room to draw for a little while when her cell phone rang. She could hear _Angel of Mine_ coming from the bottom of her purse so she dumped the Dooney and Bourke bag on the counter and grabbed her Blackberry.

“Hey.” She tried to sound cool.

Megan couldn’t believe her pulse quickened. What the hell had he done to her that night? She hadn't been able to stop thinking about John since he left her house the next afternoon. They’d made love for the first time in forever and something happened. They connected on that level; the level she’d only heard about.

The level so many told her was dangerous for a Meretrix to reach with anyone. They weren't above having their hearts broken. They weren't invincible. She had to watch him walk away, let him, and not let the pain show. That was something she was used to though.

“Hi. Do you have about an hour to spare?” John asked.

“Right now?”

“That would be ideal. I understand if you don’t but it would be great if you did.”

“Um,” she looked at the clock on her microwave. It was just after five and her plans weren't until later in the evening. “Yeah, I think I can spare an hour. I have plans later this evening but if you get here before six thirty then we’re fine.”

“Where are you off to?” John hoped she wouldn’t think he was keeping tabs on her by asking.

“Jill, Ashley, and I are going to the opening of Georgia Davis’ new art show, Africa’s Children. She’s amazing and I was able to get tickets because we’ve been friends since Prohibition. It’s going to be quite ritzy, as these things can sometimes be. People are there to see and be seen; completely forgetting about the whole reason she’s having it in the first place.”

“Which is?”

“She wants to raise awareness, and of course money, for the children of Africa. I might have to work tonight.”

“What's that mean?” he knew his tone changed. She knew his tone changed. Why the hell did his tone have to change?

“Work the room, put my arms around folks, and turn on the charm. Hell, I usually have to work harder than Georgia does. She pimps me so hard but I love the woman to death and it’s for a good cause. I'm a charity maven…who knew?”

“It sounds like it could be fun.”

“Sometimes it’s damn fun to be me.” Megan replied. “Then there’s Wednesdays.”

“What's so bad about Wednesday?” he asked.

“Its kind of a joke.” She laughed. “Where are you? Are you on your way?”

“I'm a little far but I could be there in an hour. Are you sure I'm not taking time away from you getting ready or something?”

“John, not even I could spend that much time getting ready. Anyway, I'm fabulous…the look doesn’t take as long as you think. So I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you hungry? Want me to cook?”

John smiled. She wanted to cook for him; how could he not love that. But he knew he wouldn’t have much time to stay. Between her schedule and his, tonight wouldn’t be their night. Considering what he was going to say when he got there that might be for the better.

“Maybe a little snack.” He replied, unable to turn down her offer.

“OK. I’ll see you in a while.”

“Bye.”

She went into her bedroom to change her clothes. Megan quickly shed the jeans and sweater she’d been wearing to walk the dog. She wanted to be wearing something a little more desirable when John arrived. She knew they probably wouldn’t have much time but you had to dress appropriately for your company. That was part of who she was; she couldn’t change it. She didn’t want to. She went to the top drawer and found just the right outfit.

***

Snow fell as John drove into the parking lot and parked his motorcycle. It was just flurries for now but he knew a storm was going to roll through over the next day or so. Weather didn’t matter much to him as spirits weren't affected by heat and cold like their human counterparts. He could feel the wind as he climbed off his bike and pulled his trenchcoat closed in case anyone noticed him and wondered why he wasn’t freezing.

He took the steps to her door two at a time, buzzed, and waited. When Megan opened the door she was wearing a smile and little else. Somewhere, what she had on could be described as clothes…John wasn’t sure DC was the place. But he couldn’t help the smile that moved across his face as she pulled him by the hand into her apartment. In orange hot pants and a matching tank top with the word ‘ _girly girl_ ’ written across it, she was beautiful.

“You like it; I designed it myself as part of my lingerie series.” She said, spinning around. “They’re flying off the shelves.”

“I have no doubt.” He replied. “I do like it.”

“Thank you.”

John put his arms around her. He wanted a kiss but also felt as if it was proper to kiss her. He hardly knew which he felt more. Since when had it become so formal? Nothing about a love affair should be formal. Megan felt it too; didn’t respond to his kiss the way he hoped or planned.

“What's the matter?” she asked, moving out of his arms.

“I thought you promised not to read my thoughts.” He said.

“I don't have to read your thoughts to know something’s wrong, John. Come in, sit down, and we’ll talk.”

He nodded, following her over to the couch. This time when he sat down her Corgi came over and began to sniff him. John reached down to pet her and Jackie O accepted his affection. She licked his hand before walking away.

“She's picky as hell, just like me.” Megan smiled. “But I think she likes you.”

“I'm on my way to Belarus.” John replied. “I don't know how long I’ll be gone. This could be a dangerous mission.”

“I will pray to the goddess for your safety. I know you're not afraid of facing your death. Do you ever get afraid?”

“I sometimes fear for the people I care about. Me, I've died before…it won't be a new experience. This time though I will get to be by The Boss’ side forever after. It’s not a bad tradeoff if it comes to that. But I don’t go into a fight anticipating anything but winning.”

“That’s what I like about you. You needed to talk to me before you left?”

“Yeah.” John nodded. “I should get right to the point; I know you have plans tonight. The Boss is concerned about us.”

“That doesn’t surprise me.” Megan replied. “Is it what I am?”

“Yeah. It’s what I am too. The relationships that spirits are allowed to have don’t really appeal to me. It’s not as if I want to be out there having sex with random women but I'm not entirely turned on by the idea of lifetime commitment either. I think of the woman, who if she is anything but what I am, will have to wait until I can find a few minutes for her between missions. I would never ask that of anyone.”

“You don’t want to ask it of me?”

“No, I don’t.” John shook his head. “If we were to decide to be in a relationship, there isn’t a lot of room for compromise. You would have to commit to monogamy while also being with someone who’s hardly ever there. It’s not a fair trade.”

“Even if you love the person?” Megan asked.

“Even then. Sometimes I think it’s even harder when you love the person. I can't love you more than the light, Megan. But please don’t think that means that I don’t love you.”

“I know that The Boss can probably hear us right now. I still want you to tell me what your ideal would be, if you were in a relationship.”

“I’d want to be with a woman who has her own life. I don’t want it to revolve around me because I'm not here. I want to be with her when I can but I surely expect her life to go on when I'm not. And by her life, I also mean her sex life. I could never ask a woman, anyone, to quash sexual desire. It’s not an easy thing to do. I suppose it might be unbearable for a Meretrix.”

Megan knew lots of things that were unbearable. She dealt with them anyway. Everyone did. Life didn’t always go your way. Sometimes you had to wade through the bullshit to get to the awesome things.

John was an awesome thing. She just got him back in her life and be damned if she let him go now. She knew The Boss didn’t have loopholes. Almost everything in life had a loophole but she was sure she wouldn’t find one here.

She either had to be with John according to the rules or lose him. She hated rules. She hated the thought of losing John more. If The Boss had no intention of compromising, which he didn’t, it looked like she would have to.

“Well, the truth of the matter is that I haven’t had sexual intercourse with a man for almost 3 years.” Megan said. “I was with Kate Joyner, but that was only to help you, and she’s not a man. I can't imagine that The Boss would be down with my having a girlfriend in your absence though. I don’t know if this happens to many people but sex gets boring. It’s just an act. As Trish says so lovingly, ‘even cows have sex’. It’s more than sex with you, John. If I had to choose between being with you sometimes and being with a different man every night, I would choose you.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Because you want Megan. You don’t want the Meretrix experience.” She flailed her arms as if she was talking about something grand. “You don’t want an overpriced whore who can fulfill your every fantasy if you’ve got the dough. You want to watch movies and eat breakfast and might learn to love my dog. You want motorcycle rides and long talks about the things that interest us. You don’t want to just fuck and run, though you might have to sometimes with your insane schedule.” She smiled. “I want this opportunity; I thought you wanted it too. If you don’t…”

“Stop,” John took her hand, sighing. “I honestly don’t know what I want. I've been one thing for a long time, I'm good at it. It’s hard to turn around and be something else. Especially when you know you can only be that something else for limited intervals here and there. I just don’t know, Megan.”

“Well there's nothing wrong with not knowing. I know you can't break the rules. So it has to be one way or nothing. Right?”

“Yeah.”

“OK.” She nodded and stood up, slowing pulling her hand away from his. “You need to go to Belarus and do what you do so well. I have to attend an opening and do the same. I don't think this is something that can be resolved in an hour. Unless you just want to end it now. Maybe that’s better since we haven’t even started yet.”

“We started 200 years ago in that bar fight in Scotland.” John replied. “It’s a little difficult to go back on that.”

He met her in the middle of a melee. He, Sam, JJ, Paul Collins, and a few other spirits were stopping for the night while on a mission. They were swept up into a battle between two warring factions for the affections of a woman. Megan Kane was that woman. If the men would have stopped to think for a moment, they would’ve realized she didn’t want either one of them.

John got her out of there after the insanity, pulled her up on his horse and rode her to the outskirts of town where some of her sisters were waiting. She thanked him with a kiss and wondered aloud if their paths would ever cross again. John said it was possible but hoped he wouldn’t have to fight his way out. Megan thought a man that good with his hands should want to use them much more. He knew she was flirting; knew what she was even if the Scottish suckers had no idea.

He was surprised 50 years later when he arrived to help Megan Kane and saw that same woman. She hadn't changed a bit. Time might not have changed the way any of them looked but it changed so many other things, without and within. 200 years ago, if there had been time, John might have skated under the radar and sampled what she was clearly offering. In the 21st century he was considering walking away from it to save them both.

“I don’t want to lose you.” she whispered. “I just want you to do what you have to. I know it’s not an easy decision to make. Please don’t make the wrong one in an attempt not to hurt me.”

“OK.” John stood up as well. He didn’t know what else to say. She was right; this was not going to be resolved in an hour. He didn’t know what he was thinking. John knew it had to be resolved. Nora told him as much…The Boss was watching. But he had a mission and his job had to come first. That was some of the reason he was here in the first place. It was also some of the reason it was a bad idea. “C'mere.”

Megan didn’t mean to let out the sob when he pulled her into his arms. It made John hold her tighter but she sucked it up. She wasn’t going to cry. Meretrix did a good job of controlling their emotions for the most part but they weren't above using them to their advantage. For one of the first times in her life, Megan wished she wasn’t what she was.

It only lasted for a few seconds. She couldn’t change it, he couldn’t change it, and if things were meant to be they would be. If they weren't, her life would still go on. It certainly wasn’t as if Megan didn’t have plenty to keep her busy. Friends, associates, a business, her art, her daughters…the list was endless.

This part wasn’t supposed to be easy. Few Meretrix ever found love. They were content doing what Meretrix did, loving and loving and loving some more. She didn’t know why she was different. Someone had to be, she guessed.

“Come by, or give me a call when you get back.” She moved out of his arms, putting on that photograph smile.

“I will. I’ll take you to dinner; anywhere you want to go.”

“Well there’s this great new Thai place I've been meaning to try. I’ll wait for you, John. We’ll experience it together.”

“OK.”

He reached out for her hand; Megan took it and led him to the front door. She put her hand over his heart as he put his hand on the knob.

“Be safe. Come back to me or I’ll never forgive you.”

“That’s incentive.” John smiled. He pulled her into a kiss, tangling his fingers in her hair. He wanted to stay a while longer. He wanted to make love, laugh, touch her skin and have her touch his in return. There wasn’t time. John Blackwolf rarely had time.

“Take this.” She slipped the bracelet from her wrist and put it in his hand. “I know you and I don’t always believe in the same things. But the goddess Amanda blessed the moonstone. Even if you don’t believe that, I do, and if you have it I’ll feel like it can help keep you safe on your missions.”

“I’ll carry it with me always.” He slipped it in his pocket.

After one more hug, Megan watched him walk down the steps. He went across the lot and hopped on his Harley. The flurries were still falling; the real snow wasn’t coming until after midnight. She wiped the tear that was sliding down her cheek and closed her front door.

He was coming back. He would come back and they would talk again. She didn’t know what would come of that conversation or the one that might come after. Megan wanted John in her life and knew he felt the same. He needed to see that just because his life hadn't changed much in 1500 years didn’t mean that others hadn't.

She didn’t need to wait by the window in eager anticipation of her lover’s return…there was much to keep her occupied. It would be a good excuse to disappear for a while when she was able to get some time alone with him. They were good for each other and it was time. It was time for them both to have that safe place to fall. John and Megan needed to have their special time and space just as much as the spirit and the Meretrix needed to fulfill their obligations.

***

  



End file.
